I'm going biographical here, as my understanding of kundalini and the integration of it, is still fairly new...which made the earlier zymposioum pieces on integration by those at it for much longer, a tremendous help to read:
julian
delia
michael
I think the best place for me to start this piece is with the admission that in writing this I have had to come face to face with some pretty interesting shadows...the voices of "I have nothing to say"..."you're not good enough"..."you do not know how to use words well"..."why would anyone care anyway?"...all came up...and loudly...so, thank you julian for allowing these shadows to be faced...
I have struggled with this very intense mental energy all my life...But at a young age, I lived in a place where loneliness, depression, anxiety and intense fear took front stage to anything else in my mental life...this intensely misdirected energy brought me to the point of institutionalization, heavy medicating (both self and prescribed), and to the point where electro shock therapy was being seriously considered...
at 2 or 3, my parents describe me as being "weird", when I would do such things as wake them up in the morning by staring at them...(kinda understandable, really)...but by around 7 or 8, I was thinking that death might be a nice thing...as it couldn't really get worse than the unaccepting world I was in...however, suicide was not an option because I had an amazing, loving family and with all this talk of "karma"...what if I had to come back and do this shit all over again?...so it was a matter of time until I would be let out of this prison of skin...I would consider this the altered state of escapist focus...one where death was an almost constant contemplation...one where many other altered states wove in and out...
It seems that much of what cause such a dramatic outcome on my psyche was a serious lack of energetic understanding by both myself and the worldy circumstance I fell in to...So not only was I completely disconnected from myself, I was disconnected to the world around me...Which caused some sort of fracturing of my mind...another altered state to form the base of the others...(this is my current theory, anyhow...)
About 3 years ago, I received a "good smack in the head"...the doors to the prison were removed one drunken night in a bicycle accident...within one week of this head injury, I quit college, quit medication, quit my 4 day a week psychoanalysis treatment, and quit my extremely dysfunctional marriage...I suppose, after reading so much of these type of state experiences, it would be best described as one of "near death"...except I had no pretty white light...I did not go to the hospital, so whether I "died" or not is not part of my story...but what occurred afterward left me with no other way to contextualize the experience at the time...
quite simply, the only people I began to relate to were homeless people in Venice beach and some switch in my body felt like it had been "turned on"...they were my prophets, my angels, my friends...for the next three months I learned of energy and god and the illusion of fear and, oh yes, the coming end of the world...these are the things one of my closest friends and teachers, Jesus', uh, twin brother taught me...I mean, when something so drastic happens and someone has answers for you, it just seemed like everything he said must be true...no doubt, the guy was tuned into something pretty extraordinary (he was not the only one...there were a good 4 or 5 others who seemed to have information for me and messages, or what not)...and I would put together symbolic messages that rained upon my consciousness at this time...for example, I came up with the date of 12-21-2012 before reading of the mayan prophesies...so, in this altered state, which instances like this were abound for a solid three months, I became filled with a sense of purpose, hope and connection to something so much larger than anything I had ever imagined, or even cared to think about, really...
I mean, I tried yoga (ugg, I HATED it...trying to sit still was absolute TORTURE), went to the siddha yoga center where I cried looking at a picture of Gurumayi thinking "I am so far away from the sense of peace in her eyes", but had no intention of meditating (although the opening chant felt good)...so, in retrospect, I can see how a foundation was there for me to interpret and eventually integrate this event from an informed standpoint...which, of course, is an endless lesson...
So, this new shift brings me to a place where the "new age" fit perfectly...the end of the world (I mean, thank goodness!!!)...everything would be love and light and when I and the other light workers were done saving everyone, we would dance in the street and have no worries...heehee...pretty ain't it...well, needless to say...some pretty intense shadow work had to be done...it was a complete flip flop...from utter darkness to total light...
With my history, this is what was needed and let me tell you, returning to balance has been a tough road...but no shadow would ever compare to the world of doom and gloom that predominated my life in the past...what I was introduced to was the state I want to return to, but with a ceratin constancy behind it; and since being introduced to KW, I realized that it would be through diligent stage work...at the time right after, my body was free of pain and my mind, although not grounded AT ALL, knew a sense of peace and connection (that would soon need attention once things did not go "as planned" and the world did not end...hehe...i was so disappointed at the time)...and so the real journey began...but I know what the destination felt like...and so this became my resource for the return to reality and the stage work...
Its been a slow process and one I am still deeply engaged in...what has been the most amazing thing to me is getting in touch with my little t true self...bringing back the parts of me that were here the first 26 years...the sarah self...the one who seems to be quite in tune with energy she has yet to understand and fully integrate...these are the altered states I am dealing with now... waves of bliss followed by waves of deep sorrow...at this point for me, kundalini is what it is and it is brings me to a place of understanding why it was that at 2 years old, without a world to reflect these aspects of myself, I became extremely "weird"...and it is difficult for me to even understand the delineation between altered state and a general state of being because they are so intertwined into who I am...but as I do more work to become more and more embodied, such as cultivating the ability to witness the play of my own consciousness......this energy that I can so easily feel in myself and others, I am starting to really own and understand in my own body...so that i may use it willfully, and no longer allow it to use me...
and that is what the integration process had really held for me...returning from the ethers...becoming useful here for myself and others...not because the world will end, but because being an expression of love is the more fulfilling than dreaming of death...I do hope that this gratitude and focus becomes more and more sharpened because at times, being so tuned in to an experience I have yet to fully understand can be quite uncomfortable and confusing at times...But I am finding that connecting with my breath, body, and witnessing abilities are absolutely key to centering and balance amongst all the physical sensations that are constantly rippling through my body and mind...And many thanks to delia for her bathtub metaphor, as this has helped me to ground the experience a bit more...
I have actually been a student of Julians for about 2 years and have to give him a moment of recognition here for being so full of integrity...and such an important part of this process...I think that someone to hold a safe and compassionate space for someone to face the demons of their past and mind is one of the most necessary aspects to successful integration...
I have no practices that I am completely dedicated to other than my art (pure creative connected space), discovering and creating a purpose (being of service), dancing (the way I pray) and embodying as much love as possible (which leaves me dedicated to eliminating fear and healing)...I go to yoga quite regularly, but not religiously...I do qigong sometimes...I love chanting and kirtan...I do breathwork when I can...I read a lot about meditation...I find myself interested in learning about everything, but have a hard time really dedicating myself to any of the practices I read about...while at the same time relating to the experience of Spirit that permeates all of these...sometimes I think I am actually quite lucky not to get stuck in any one way of connecting...and at other times wonder if that's the "right way"...and then laugh at this trick I play on my mind...this is the world of ordered chaos...and it works for me, I guess...
I find myself eager to learn more, to integrate more...when Julian asked me to participate I was honored, than thought to myself...what a minute...what is he thinking?...yeah, I have read books on integral theory and transpersonal psych and I enjoy Buddhist philosophy and Hindu ritual, etc etc, but my ability to put things into words has always been a struggle for me...I think in shapes, in energetic thought forms...but I realize now that integration is an ongoing process...that ones integrity comes from the commitment to this process...and so this attempt to document something that otherwise would not have been expressed in a linguistic format reinforces for me that life is practice and risk taking and if I am to go further into this experience of being, that no matter what, ease does not come easy...
riding the waves are as natural to me now as things like ADD medication, the occasional needle full of heroin and my kinship with the exacto knife was to me then...reality has this way of transforming itself...and to know this is to not attach myself to any storyline or definition of who I am, but to establish identity through my art, my actions and interactions with others...and in that I integrate the understanding I have of the impermanence of the moment while becoming something solid and breathing within it...
so, here I stand...feeling quite naked in front of a group of people knowing that if not anything else...I did it...I put some words onto paper to try and convey the miracle of my life...of Life.
...and in that another miracle...the miracle of "we" can be celebrated...(even if my grammar leaves a bit to be desired)...thank you for listening...
With grace...S.
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death
January 2008 
Sa'Rah
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